Totally Pissed

Until now, I can't figure out why "some people" can take advantage of other people's money. I mean, where are their conscience, that is if they happen to have one? They borrow money with the promise that they'll pay them back, yet now they can't afford to do so. Darn, these people are oh-so-f@$k@ng-disappointing! Pardon me with my words, it's just that I'm so totally pissed right now. I can't explain the rage that I'm feeling, especially when I think how difficult my husband's work is in South Korea just to earn good money. I love him and I'll do everything to keep him on top, and not be fooled by anybody, much more by people who don't know anything but manipulate others just to get money from them! Yet I hated him for trusting other people too much, especially with the money that he earned so hard. I just hope he learns his lesson this time! No more Mr. Nice Ghie this time, and no more Ms. Nice Phoebe either!GGgrrrr.....

I Want to go Home

All I want to do now is go home and see my daughter. I terribly miss her. I just want to play with her, hug and kiss her, and sleep beside her. Darn, now I'm thinking if I really made the right decision. I feel so damn alone in this place. I feel so depressed. *Sigh* :(

I MISS YOU SO MUCH, BABY GAB!!!

Me on Top

I couldn't think of a better title except this. Actually, it's Ate Razh who gave me the idea last night through her twitter message. And yeah, I know what you're thinking! But you're dead wrong.

It's just me on top of the double deck. That's right! After years of sleeping comfortably back there in my place, I had no choice last night but to give way to that "old lady" who came at the dormitory to stay for a couple of days. I totally hated the idea, but what can I do. I can be really rude sometimes, but when it comes to oldies, well I can be a little nice.

So, if you'd ask how my sleep was last night, hell it was awful! Just imagine my "healthy" body lying on that "not-so-comfortable-double-deck", with me on top. Haller!!! I never really had a good night sleep because all the time I was trying not to move a lot so that the "old lady" below me won't be disturbed. But guess what, she was the one who kept moving so I ended up awake until morning because it felt like I was being rocked in a cradle. Huhuhu!!!

Now, I'm feeling so sleepy, can anybody blame me? I need a good night sleep tonight. Will somebody adopt me for a night please...please...please... :(

Just Hope

I'm now counting my last hour here inside the office. The feeling sucks! I couldn't even explain how heavy it is to leave this building which had been a part of my life for almost 4 years, much more this office where I did not only grow as a writer and a leader, but also as a person.

You know, leaving would have been easier if the people whom I have worked with in this office were given the same opportunity to transfer. Only a few were chosen, and that's what hurt me the most. I know there are other people who are also deserving to continue working in this company. I've seen how hardworking, dedicated, and focused they were in doing their tasks, and I've also seen how reliable they were when it comes to completing projects on time.

But one question keeps on repeating in my mind until now, WHY THEM? I don't want to be emotional here, yet I can't help wondering why the Legazpi Content Team? Why our group? I understand why they have to shutdown the facility, but what I don't understand is why most of my subordinates were not given any other choice but to accept that separation pay? You see, not even one from my current groupmates, whether team leader or rank-and-file, was given a chance. Not even ONE, not even ONE. :(

I don't really want to be bitter about the whole thing, yet whenever I remember how reliable the team players under my group to complete rush/priority projects, I can't help but wish that they are travelling with me tomorrow. Now, all I can do is hope! Hope that I get to work with them again. JUST HOPE. :(

I am leaving tomorrow, with a heavy heart and a clueless mind. I'm scared of the unknown...After years of holding on, I can't believe that I am really moving out of my comfort zone...

Make Me Understand

I don't understand a lot of things right now. Maybe, I'm in that stage again on which I prefer not to open up to anyone, just live alone, or try to figure out things for myself.

I am so mad, so frustrated of trying to please everyone with my little efforts yet I always end up as a failure. I'm trying so hard, but it seems that my efforts are not yet enough.

Damn, I'm so upset right now! How can I make you appreciate me, how can I make you see the big things from the little things that I do? Why is it so hard for you to appreciate me? Why? Make me understand...

What's $7.50 Worth?

Maybe you're wondering why I asked the worth of $7.50. And perhaps you're thinking what this amount has to do with me. I am not reassessing my budget management skills now, it's just that I feel somewhat depressed to know that other people find this amount too little and do not even consider the effort that I put into making money online.

Anyhow, what's really $7.50 worth? Looking at the exchange rate now, a dollar is equivalent to 44.46Php. So, computing the amount, $7.50 is equal to 333.45Php. Now, what can I buy or pay with this amount?

1. $7.50 can already purchase 3kilos of rice, 1 whole chicken, and 1 tray of egg from my colleague

2. $7.50 can be used to pay my water bill and my balance in the tv cable connection

3. $7.50 can be my transportation allowance for 20 days

4. $7.50 can be my cellphone load for a month

5. $7.50 can buy my baby her diapers and vitamins

6. $7.50 for the baby in between's toys

7. $7.50 for 3 days budget on food

8. $7.50 to be used for buying new things at home like additional monoblock chair

9. $7.50 for a new set of baby clothes for Baby Gaby

and last but definitely not the least

10. $7.50 to be added to my Paypal account for Papa Ghie's Playstation 3

Now, is $7.50 worthless or too little to simply disregard? Why not try to look at the bigger picture to see that $7.50 is worth something, an important thing. It's actually a significant achievement of a mom and wife who, in spite of her full time job, is trying to blog on the side and make money online just to give her family not only their needs but also their wants.

I'm really depressed, feeling somewhat unappreciated for the effort I put in earning even the smallest cent that I could just to complete the fund that I need to buy that PS3. I know, this post seems not to make sense. Sorry, but this is the only way I know to make me feel relieved of the depression I'm feeling now.

On Long Distance Relationship PART I

I have never really given our long distance relationship much thought until I read this post entitled "Long Distance Relationships - Do They Work?" written by a young Christian guy from Ireland. According to him, "long distance relationships suck". And I partly agree.

For those who still don't know, Papa Ghie and I are living in different countries right now. I've just known him through the Internet last May 2006. A friend of mine introduced him to me, but not like in the traditional manner, "Phoebe meet Ghie or Ghie meet Phoebe". He just gave me Ghie's yahoo messenger id and so I added him to my list. At first, we didn't talk often, just a simple hi or hello when he happens to see me online (since it's me who's online most of the time). But later on, I just found myself confiding in him and he confiding in me. After almost a year of chatting, he decided to take a vacation and came home to meet me. And so, the rest is history.

Moving on, for almost 2 years now, we are in a long distance relationship. Although the baby in between is here now, still she's not enough reason for us not to have petty quarrels and sometimes nerve-wracking-which-almost-lead-to-total-breakup arguments. Long distance relationship really sucks, AS IN TO THE HIGHEST LEVEL. Let me share to you some things here to justify why I said so:

1. During petty fights, I can't embrace him or kiss him so he won't get mad anymore. Same with him, whenever I'm mad, he finds it hard to make me calm down compared if he's here on which he can simply crack a funny joke, make that funny face, or tickle me just to make me smile instead.

2. When we achieve something, like for example he got a salary increase or I did, we never get the chance to celebrate it together - a dinner treat for instance or a nice weekend getaway. We're contented on saying congrats through voice chat or putting nice comments on our Friendster account.

3. When discussing problems (re: family, friends, financial, and goals), sometimes it leads to heated argument. It's hard to explain and discuss serious issues by simply chatting or talking on voice chat.

4. Absence during special occasions such as birthday, Christmas, and New Year makes me curse the long distance relationship that we are in. We feel the same way when we see families celebrating together during these times. With us, we're contented seeing each other on webcam as we celebrate with our peers and families near us.

5. In times like transferring to a new home or doing housework which is supposedly done by a man, I can't help but envy other women whose husbands are around to do those chores for them. Same with him, he has no other choice but to wash his clothes and prepare his meals for himself.

The list could actually go on and on. But I decided to just limit it to 5 since I've already made my point why long distance relationship sucks. I'm sure other couples who are also in a long distance relationship experience the very same things that I shared here. But you know what, there are also cons in this type of relationship. As to what they are, I'd just reserve them in my coming posts.

A Picture Can Truly Say A Thousand Words

Yesterday, I saw an edited photo of my officemate and his wife. And when I asked him who did the editing, he said it was Ate Raziel. So, Ate Razh said that if I want one of my photos edited, I might as well send it to her.

I did send one. It was a photo of me and Papa Ghie during our first night together when he came home last February 2007. Here it is:

After Ate Razh edited it, here's how it looked:

Isn't it cute? Really it's true that the love that binds us together, grows stronger everyday. Even with Papa Ghie in Korea and me here in the Philippines, our love will continue to grow and withstand many difficult tests. For the baby in between, we'll conquer every problem that goes along our long distance relationship.

Thanks Ate Raziel! Ghie said the edited picture is awesome and he asked me to have it printed and framed so I can display it in our bedroom. Thanks once again. Here check out Ate Raziel's edited photos.

Just Like You

Sometimes I'd ask myself, "Am I really that bad? Is my attitude really that worse?" Then at the back of my mind, something will say, "No, you're not. You're not bad, Phoebe. You just have those bad days just like the other people around. You just need a little appreciation, that's all."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but is asking for a little appreciation means that you're being too demanding? Or, is it really wrong to say what you truly feel and be regarded as a person with negative attitude just because you opened up or just because you go overboard saying things which are not supposed to be said?

Lots of questions are running through my mind right now. And while seeking for answers, I remember this letter given to us during our Leadership Training program two months ago. When I read it over again, I couldn't help but relate it to the situation I am in right now, so I did a little revision just to make it appropriate for me. Here it goes:


Dear Husband,

You see me everyday...with many faces...
In many tasks...as a mom, a friend, a daughter, and a boss...
But above all, I am your wife.

More than a wife, I am your partner,
Your other half, your bestfriend
And though I play different roles,
I try to be the best in everything I do
Just like you.

But lately, I'm wondering
Why you keep telling me that I never change?
Do you really see only the worse in me?
Why can't you see the nice things that I do?
Just like you, I have a good side too.

If I complain about a petty thing,
Maybe I am saying more than what you can hear
That I am a human being with feelings.
And just like you,
I want attention too.

I'll accept criticism when I've done wrong,
But how I wish you would praise me
When I have done right.
I am just like you,
I like compliments too.

When I emphasize a point that seems unimportant,
Maybe what I am really saying
Is that I consider my opinion important.
And I am just like you,
I want someone to listen to me too.

And when you share to me something,
Whether it's the song you like,
Or the great TV show or movie that you've seen
I go out of my way to listen and watch them too
So you'll feel appreciated
Now, I'm just like you
I want to feel appreciated too.

Some days you smile and some days you frown.
And I understand;
Your life is full of good days and bad days.
Do you understand I have good and bad days too?
I am just like you.

And when I complain about this or that,
Please don't repeat to me that I should change my attitude.
Haven't you ever complained before?
I am just like you,
I need to let off steam too.

And if I don't talk to you after an argument,
Don't think that I don't want you around,
Or that I don't want to humble down.
Please don't start a conversation which will just make things worse
I am just like you
I want to cool down first before I talk to you.

If this letter sounds like I placed all the blame on you,
Then I've failed to say what I mean.
I just wanted to tell you,
From my point of view,
All in all, I am just like you.


Your wife

All Our Bags Are Packed

I'm not singing a song here, indeed our bags are packed and we're ready to go. Supposedly, we'll start moving in to our new home tomorrow morning. But because of the problem that I encountered with Bayantel, I instructed Baby Gab's nanny to start packing our things so we can begin transferring them when I get home this afternoon. I'm not so excited anymore though, because everything seems not to go well with our moving out scene - Bayantel sucks, the landlord refused to give the key this morning, and worse I'm really broke.

Anyway, got to go now. I'll just share to you some pics of the new house once we are settled tomorrow. Bye guys. Happy Weekend! :)

Better Left Unsaid

I've always been very vocal about my feelings. But lately, I come to realize that there are things which should be better left unsaid. I know, open communication is important in a relationship, but if this will just be the start of a misunderstanding, then I might as well keep these hurt feelings to myself.

"What I don't know won't hurt me," that's what I kept telling myself. But since there are things that I find out without intending to, I can't help but get hurt and ask myself, "Why does he have to hide some things from me on which later on I'll be able to find out?" I'm not the jealous-type of girl, it's just that I hate it when he doesn't tell me everything, especially as to where he goes during the day.

I know, I should not be expecting in return the same 100% honesty that I give. But sometimes, I find it unfair when he doesn't tell me everything. And you see, whenever I open up whatever that bothers me, instead of being listened to and my feelings being understood, I end up being that "bad girl with a super-negative attitude". So, I'd rather keep my mouth shut every time I'm hurt and keep things better left unsaid.

Sad Reality

Months back, I was eagerly anticipating for January 2009 to come because Papa Ghie is coming home and he said he will be staying for good. I was even too excited about the idea of seeing the two of them (Papa Ghie and Baby Gaby) together for the first time. But all this excitement faded when his decision suddenly changed. Now, this is the sad reality: he plans to go back to Korea and will come home on January just for a 45-day vacation.

45 days? Will I sound so selfish if I find these 45 days too short for us to be together? And from these 45 days, how many days could be alloted for us? 10? 20? 30? Or would time be kind enough to let us spend at least the 40 days out of that 45?

Ever since I met Papa Ghie in 2007, I haven't spent more than 10 days with him. So, I was really excited before when I've learned that he's coming home for good. I was thinking that if we could spend more time together, perhaps we'll have a stronger foundation for a lasting relationship. And that even if he leaves or plans to work abroad again, at least there will be more memories for us to hold on to.

But I guess, life isn't too fair for us yet, much more for Baby Gaby because in the next three years, she will be deprived of spending time with her dad and celebrating her birthdays with him around. Now, this what hurts me more. I could take the idea that Papa Ghie and I need to be apart so he can be a better provider for the family, but the thought that he has to miss all the important milestones in our daughter's life, it really tears my heart into pieces.

I hate to remember those times when I was here alone during my pregnancy, much more when I gave birth to Baby Gaby. At the clinic, I was the only mom who was giving birth without a husband around. That was too painful, especially when I saw the daddy's carrying their small babies when they were discharged from the clinic. While Baby Gaby...:(

Sometimes I would ask, would it be worth it? What I mean here is the fact that he has to be away again so he can earn more money. I was thinking, would the car, own house and lot, business, and cool gadgets be worth all the sacrifices? Can we really be happy and contented as family having all these at the expense of our daughter being deprived of growing up with a dad beside her?

I know, I sound so emotional here and others will think that I'm being so melodramatic. And for sure, some are even thinking that Papa Ghie made the right decision because life now is very difficult and everyone has to be practical. I can't blame you for thinking that way, and I can't blame him for such decision. I just hope in time, life would be a little fair for us.

I Got A Comment

This morning, I got this friendster comment from my Baby Gaby's account. Although I knew that it wasn't really from Baby Gaby (since haller, she's still a baby!), still I felt glad because it was Papa Ghie who made the effort to search and copy paste the said Mother's Day comment to my friendster account. Here, let me share it to you:

It's so cute, right? So, I'm thinking, as soon as Baby Gaby learns to stand on her own, I'll take a picture of us like that on the image.

"Thanks Papa Ghie! Though the comment was a bit late, I want you to know that I appreciate it so much. Hope you'll always be there and support me to become a great mom to our great kid. "

HELP!!!

Last week, I received a phone call from my landlord saying that my contract in renting his place won't be extended anymore. It's not because I don't pay my rent on time, but because his daughter chose to study in the city and will be staying at the said house. He gave me until the last day of May to find a new place to rent, which was rather a short notice, but what can I do. So now, here I am, desperate to find a new place for me and Baby Gaby.

Hours after that phone call, I was so optimistic that I'll be able to find a place in no time. But now, after looking at 5 options, I realized that finding a place to rent is not easy at all; they were either too small or too big for us. Oh, and I forgot to mention the rate, I almost faint when I've learned how much the last option was, it was a hefty 8000Php. Think about that. It was way beyond my budget, and would be too impractical considering the fact that I can already use that amount for monthly house and lot amortization.

Now, I don't know where to start looking again. I'm getting frustrated, really. And a while ago, I couldn't help but feel down thinking that I'm alone in doing this search. Gaby's dad is still away, so there's no way I can't rely on him to do this for me, for us. I couldn't blame him though, because I know, he's working hard for Baby Gaby's future. But during times like this, I'd wish that he's here with us, or that he didn't make that wrong decision on which the supposedly resources that we can use to start having a house and lot are in the hands of other people.

So, what am I going to do now? I have less than 3 weeks left before the set date for us to leave the house. Suggestions, recommendations, anyone? I'm getting desperate, but I'm not losing hope that I'll find the right one on time - and when I say the right one, it should have two bedrooms, a space for a living room, dining, kitchen, little play area, toilet and bath, and a garage. Got any ideas where I can find one? Friends, help me on this please...please...please...

Home Alone

I'm alone, home alone for the first time after almost 6 months. I never thought that this could be so hard. I miss my little girl so much. While writing this post, I can imagine her lying next to me, her eyes gazing at me, and her face with that beaming smile enticing me to just sit and play with her.

Why did I ever agree with my baby's dad to let his mother take her for a vacation? Now, I'm so down, I couldn't even explain the loneliness that I'm feeling. It's so silent here, and it's killin' me.

I miss my little girl so much. As in soooo much. Every minute that passes without seeing Gaby inside this house is torture. This is just the first night, what about tomorrow, and then the next day, and the next??? Aaarrrgghhh!!!

Come home to Mommy soon Gab! This house is never a home without you.

I Don't Want to Go Home...

When I was away from home last February and March, I kept on counting the days when I'd finally come home and be with the baby in between again. But now, it's the other way around. I don't want to go home, I swear. Why? Because it's the first time that I'll go home without my baby around.

Just this afternoon, Baby Gaby's nanny, Ate Ging, sent me a text message saying that Gaby's grandma was already there, ready to take Gaby with her for one-week vacation at her place, which is a couple of miles away from mine. After reading it, I felt like crying and my chest tightened as if I was running out of breath.

After almost 6 months of giving birth to this adorable little girl, this would be the first time that I'd be going home without her. Darn, just the thought of not seeing her cute eyes and smile when I opened that door, it tears my heart into pieces. And what more when I lie on my bed to sleep and wake up in the morning without her beside me...

Gosh, I'll gonna miss Baby Gab so much. I'm just not used to going home without her. She's the main reason why I'm always very eager to go home after working here inside the office for 9 hours. But now that she's not there, I find it so hard to leave the office, much more to open that door and see no one inside.

Can somebody adopt me for a week please?

WHY?

Until now, I can't seem to figure out why I have to exert so much effort to please those people who were never there for me during the most difficult time of my life? And why do I have this feeling that if I will not be able to please them, I will lose that one dream which I've wanted to achieve ever since - and that is a FAMILY WHICH I CAN CALL MY OWN?

Maybe you're confused as to what I'm talking about right now. Anyhow, I won't share the details, I just want to express what I'm feeling.

I am so outraged. Why? Because no matter what I do, it seems that no one has ever really appreciated me. Why does it seem that I'm in a competition of some sort, while in fact it was me who is being tried to win back? You see, what happened now is the other way around. It seems that it is me now who needs to exert so much effort to ensure that I will have a complete family in the end. And if my effort is not enough, I will be abandoned just like before.

Darn, why does s*it always have to happen?

In Limbo

I'm getting out of focus, I can't think right at all! It feels like I'm in limbo. I made plans early this year, concerning only me and my Baby Gab. But when her dad entered the scene again a month ago, it seems that things are becoming more difficult instead of becoming smoother and easier. I thought, with him in the picture, things will get better. But I don't know why things are happening the other way around. Now, I'm in a daze, and I feel so alone.

Again, I ask myself, "why is it that when I needed him the most, that's when I can't rely on him?" You see, the plans I made are not just for me, but also for our baby. And when he comes home, it will be for him as well. But as of now, it's very apparent that I'm carrying the burden alone. Why? Because even if he wants to take part in materializing those plans, how can he if he entrusted to other people the supposedly resources that we can use.

I don't want to keep on blaming him for his wrong decisions, but I can't help it really. Things would have been easier for me, for us, if he has trusted me more. This is actually the one thing that makes me feel so bad right now. I felt so useless, so incapable of helping him because he trusted other people more, than his supposedly wife and mother of his baby.

I keep asking myself, "am I really that useless? am I really that incapable? I'm his wife, his partner, and the mother of his baby, but why give his trust to others? Me and Baby Gab are his family, but why does he have to make things so difficult for us, yet easier for others."

I'm so mad, I can't even explain the anger that I'm feeling right now. Why does he always have to make me feel so alone when I needed him the most? Why?

Can't Wait to Go Home...

All I can think of now is home. I want to see my baby and be just beside her. I'm thinking, is she feeling okay? Does she cry at night when she feels that I am not beside her? Does she miss Mommy as well?

I don't have a picture of her with me here. So, I just settled on the pictures that I posted in my other blogs. But at night, when I'm alone at the "hotel", I can do nothing but imagine her cute face and her adorable smile since I don't have a laptop with me yet.

Want to see some of her pictures? Let me show you some...

(her dimples are as cute as mine)

(such an innocent one)

I really miss you so much Gab. Mommy misses you so much! I can't wait to go home...:(

My Morning Prayer

When I woke up this morning at 5a.m, I felt this heavy feeling – a feeling which I thought I have long forgotten. It’s like a dejavu! I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, ready to flow any minute. But I controlled it. I immediately opened my pc and logged on to blogger. I told myself, I would keep myself busy and my mind occupied so I wouldn’t find time worrying about him and about our future.

But when Aileen, a colleague of mine, sent me this YM message, I could not stop the tears from flowing. The message was a scripture from the bible and it goes like this:

1 John 4:18 -- Perfect love expels all fear.

You fear what you don't understand, and you can't love what you fear. So in order to love other people, you must seek to understand them. How can you start to understand and show love to someone today?

The message very well fits the situation I am in right now. There are lots of things that I don’t understand right now, a lot of questions that I need to find answers too. Yes, I fear what I can’t understand because it makes me more confused and end up feeling so lost.

I am in the dark once again, trying so hard to understand the things that happened in the past. Things that hurt me like hell, leaving me so shattered and furious for those people who have made my life so miserable the past months.

According to the message, in order for me to love people, I must seek to understand them. True. How can I love him if I could not understand him, if I could not understand why he did those things in the past, and if I could not understand the reality that past should be past? Damn, I know, I’m leaving in the past right now. There are so many grudges inside me, so much hate! Aaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!

Now, I’m feeling more down than ever. It’s just DAY 2, but it seems like he’s gone for so long now. This very same time days back, we were saying good morning in chat and looking at our almost 3-month old baby smiling in webcam. A happy family even with him in Korea and me and baby here in the Philippines.

But some good days have to end. One year is not long, it won’t be. But with us apart, and seeing his eyes in my baby’s eyes, I’m sure this one year will be a very challenging journey. A journey to a very uncertain future, on which only God knows what He has enstored for me, for him, and for our baby.

My morning prayer: Lord, I offer my life to you. I know, everything happens for a reason. Make me stronger each day to surpass all these trials. I know, You are always beside me. Guide me and my baby and let us find happiness in each day. Guide him as well, oh Lord. Give him the courage that he needs to survive in a land which is never his home, and the light that he needs to find his direction. All, these I pray unto You, Lord Jesus.