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Thursday, January 31, 2008

A Good Day for Us

The day started well for me today. I felt good wearing that corporate attire. In spite of my problems, I was still able to wear a cheerful smile on my face. Although my colleagues at work were teasing me that I looked like a principal in grade school in my attire, I just smiled and joked with them. I love my colleagues, they are more than just co-employees; they form a big part of me. Just like this guy whom everyone calls as Olops.

Lops is not just a co-worker, he is a friend, a dear friend. This morning, he made me realize a lot of things. He gave me beautiful messages which left me thinking. While reading every advice that he gave me, I couldn’t help my tears from falling. All I could say was, “tama ka Lops”. I don’t memorize the exact lines that he sent me, but they were really inspiring ones.

My conversation with Lops was interrupted when I was called at the office to discuss some concerns with Ms. Mel, our Vice President for HR. When I came back to my desk, my co-workers told me that somebody called my cell phone. I checked who it was, well, IT WAS HIM.

I'd admit, I felt excited upon knowing that he tried to call me. But at the back of my mind, I told myself not to get so overwhelmed and expect too much. You see, I don't want to be a hypocrite and say that I don't want him back. Of course I do! Who would not want a complete family right? And I'm sure a lot of people wish the same thing.

Anyway, moving on, I tried to call him back. But no answer from him, perhaps he was already at work. So, I just let the time pass and prayed a silent wish that he would call again.

After a few more hours, my phone rung, and when I answered it, yup again, IT WAS HIM - that same familiar voice which makes my heart beat 1million times per minute..lolz. just kidding. He asked how my day was and if Baby Gaby and I were doing ok. After knowing that he does care for us, nothing seems to matter anymore except the fact that we are now in-charge of how we want our family to be in the future - COMPLETE or BROKEN. So, now, we decided to continue communicating with each other, until such time when we'll finally be together.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

My Morning Prayer

When I woke up this morning at 5a.m, I felt this heavy feeling – a feeling which I thought I have long forgotten. It’s like a dejavu! I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, ready to flow any minute. But I controlled it. I immediately opened my pc and logged on to blogger. I told myself, I would keep myself busy and my mind occupied so I wouldn’t find time worrying about him and about our future.

But when Aileen, a colleague of mine, sent me this YM message, I could not stop the tears from flowing. The message was a scripture from the bible and it goes like this:

1 John 4:18 -- Perfect love expels all fear.

You fear what you don't understand, and you can't love what you fear. So in order to love other people, you must seek to understand them. How can you start to understand and show love to someone today?

The message very well fits the situation I am in right now. There are lots of things that I don’t understand right now, a lot of questions that I need to find answers too. Yes, I fear what I can’t understand because it makes me more confused and end up feeling so lost.

I am in the dark once again, trying so hard to understand the things that happened in the past. Things that hurt me like hell, leaving me so shattered and furious for those people who have made my life so miserable the past months.

According to the message, in order for me to love people, I must seek to understand them. True. How can I love him if I could not understand him, if I could not understand why he did those things in the past, and if I could not understand the reality that past should be past? Damn, I know, I’m leaving in the past right now. There are so many grudges inside me, so much hate! Aaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!

Now, I’m feeling more down than ever. It’s just DAY 2, but it seems like he’s gone for so long now. This very same time days back, we were saying good morning in chat and looking at our almost 3-month old baby smiling in webcam. A happy family even with him in Korea and me and baby here in the Philippines.

But some good days have to end. One year is not long, it won’t be. But with us apart, and seeing his eyes in my baby’s eyes, I’m sure this one year will be a very challenging journey. A journey to a very uncertain future, on which only God knows what He has enstored for me, for him, and for our baby.

My morning prayer: Lord, I offer my life to you. I know, everything happens for a reason. Make me stronger each day to surpass all these trials. I know, You are always beside me. Guide me and my baby and let us find happiness in each day. Guide him as well, oh Lord. Give him the courage that he needs to survive in a land which is never his home, and the light that he needs to find his direction. All, these I pray unto You, Lord Jesus.

His Sassy Girl

I'm sure every reader that stumbles on this post will wonder why I entitled it "His Sassy Girl". You might ask, who's the sassy girl? The answer is ME! But, why sassy? Okay, let me give you a definition of this word.

SASSY - defined as improperly bold or forward, lively and spirited, and one who often says this line, "Don't get wise with me!"

All these describe me. Yes, most of the time I'm improperly bold or forward. Speaking often comes before thinking. As long as there's something on my mind, I would voice it out even in an improper manner. How about lively and spirited? People who know me personally would strongly agree that these words fit me. Really there's never a dull moment with me. But watch out, because if you're insisting on something which is contrary to my opinion, you'll here me saying, "Don't get wise with me!" Yes, I am sassy! But, why "His Sassy Girl"? Whose sassy girl am I?

You see the guy beside the "baby in between"? Well, he's the same guy I met almost two years ago. I met him online through his friend. We shared a lot of good and bad memories. Both imparted very important lessons, but the bad should be forgotten, only the good ones should be cherished. I am his sassy girl, will always be. He hates me for being sassy - for being so disobedient to him, for always trying to win and never surrender in any argument, and for not controlling my temper whenever I'm upset. I can see that he's trying to accept that side of me, but with limits.

Loving a sassy girl like me takes more than just acceptance. Such love should be an "unconditional love". A love that stays even when I show my worst.

Now, why did I write this post? Because I want to express what's on my mind now. You see, we're both in this waiting game - as to when we can fully forgive and accept each other. A few days ago, we were the happiest persons online, chatting like there's no tomorrow. But yesterday, we decided to give ourselves the space and time that we need to truly find ourselves.
One year won't be too long, that's what I keep telling him and myself. I'm sure lots will happen in our own separate lives in the span of one year. Once we meet again in person after that, there are only two things that can happen: either we will get back together or we will forever drift away from each other.

However, there is one thing certain, when we meet again, I'll show him a different me. It may not be A PERFECT ME, but definitely, it will be A BETTER ME. For now, I'll make the most out of my time and let this blog be the witness of my musing, rants, and ramblings.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Baby In Between: An Intro

What do you think about this blog? I've been thinking about creating this family blog days back. Unfortunately, I do not have the time to do so since I'm a little busy updating my other blogs.

Why "The Baby In Between"? It's because my baby, our baby, is the most important part of our lives right now. SHE'S A BLESSING, AN ANGEL IN DISGUISE! And we both love her very much.

Our lives may be complicated right now, but this baby in between will be the one who will give us direction, and teach us about forgiveness, acceptance, responsibility, trust, love, and life as a whole.

( Papa Ghie, Baby Guian Abby Pauline, Mommy Bhem )

This is a picture of a happy family, the one I've always dreamt of. But who knows, in time, it will be more than just a picture.

THE BABY IN BETWEEN is our inspiration, your inspiration! Let this family blog inspire you in many ways. This is just the start, certainly, there will be more to come.