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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

My Morning Prayer

When I woke up this morning at 5a.m, I felt this heavy feeling – a feeling which I thought I have long forgotten. It’s like a dejavu! I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, ready to flow any minute. But I controlled it. I immediately opened my pc and logged on to blogger. I told myself, I would keep myself busy and my mind occupied so I wouldn’t find time worrying about him and about our future.

But when Aileen, a colleague of mine, sent me this YM message, I could not stop the tears from flowing. The message was a scripture from the bible and it goes like this:

1 John 4:18 -- Perfect love expels all fear.

You fear what you don't understand, and you can't love what you fear. So in order to love other people, you must seek to understand them. How can you start to understand and show love to someone today?

The message very well fits the situation I am in right now. There are lots of things that I don’t understand right now, a lot of questions that I need to find answers too. Yes, I fear what I can’t understand because it makes me more confused and end up feeling so lost.

I am in the dark once again, trying so hard to understand the things that happened in the past. Things that hurt me like hell, leaving me so shattered and furious for those people who have made my life so miserable the past months.

According to the message, in order for me to love people, I must seek to understand them. True. How can I love him if I could not understand him, if I could not understand why he did those things in the past, and if I could not understand the reality that past should be past? Damn, I know, I’m leaving in the past right now. There are so many grudges inside me, so much hate! Aaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!

Now, I’m feeling more down than ever. It’s just DAY 2, but it seems like he’s gone for so long now. This very same time days back, we were saying good morning in chat and looking at our almost 3-month old baby smiling in webcam. A happy family even with him in Korea and me and baby here in the Philippines.

But some good days have to end. One year is not long, it won’t be. But with us apart, and seeing his eyes in my baby’s eyes, I’m sure this one year will be a very challenging journey. A journey to a very uncertain future, on which only God knows what He has enstored for me, for him, and for our baby.

My morning prayer: Lord, I offer my life to you. I know, everything happens for a reason. Make me stronger each day to surpass all these trials. I know, You are always beside me. Guide me and my baby and let us find happiness in each day. Guide him as well, oh Lord. Give him the courage that he needs to survive in a land which is never his home, and the light that he needs to find his direction. All, these I pray unto You, Lord Jesus.