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Saturday, September 6, 2008

Hopeless

Sometimes, I'm wondering what is right between these two: Loving means holding on OR loving means letting go. I've been thinking about these for quite some time now, and until now the answer is still vague. I'm torn between the idea of having a complete family yet losing my self-respect in the end or loving myself more but end up having a broken family. I don't really know what's the right decision or path for me to take. All I know is that the situation has become too complicated and that my opinions seem not to matter anymore.


For so many times, I've let him decide on things, and let myself obey first without complaining. I even feel as if I'm in a military camp wherein when the upper class says you do this or do that, there's no room for me to complain but instead keep only one word in mind - and that is to OBEY. It's too suffocating, it's damn too stressful! I know, I can do better than simply obey and suffer the consequences in the end. I am human, I'm not a puppet! I have a voice, a mind of my own, and above all, I have feelings too.


But I ask myself, then what am I doing sitting here, waiting, holding on, and letting him control me in such a way that I'm starting to lose my self-respect and confidence? Am I being too dumb trying to hold on just because of my ultimate dream to have a complete family? Everything seems to be hopeless now, in spite of my efforts to fix every problem that he lets me go through. And my words are becoming so useless; my part in the decision-making process seem not to matter at all. Am I really a WIFE? Or am I more of a PUPPET?


Do I still make any sense here? Darn, why do I even have to compare myself into an inanimate object? I just don't understand why he doesn't want to listen to me. He wants me to follow everything that he says yet when people are already saying bad things about me, he could not even protect me. I always believe that in every family, the father or the husband should always be the one to protect his wife and his family as a whole. But in our case, this seems to be not applicable. Why? Because he protects his other "so-called family" more rather than us who will be there for him through thick and thin. He doesn't want them to be bothered that's why he kept all his transaction with them secret from the rest of the family, but with me, he wants me to be in the frontline, to obey everything he says with no questions asked, and when problem comes, I should be able to handle and face them alone. Or worse, keep my mouth shut and act as if I didn't see or hear anything bad.


I'm tired really of understanding everything. Why can't he be more open-minded and listen to what I say? I AM HIS WIFE! But am I really?

3 comments:

jHeLea said...

i was again saddened by your post sis....be strong always....know what? as long kaya mo pa ang pain just hold on pero pag hindi mo na kaya at sobrang nasasaktan kana siguro you have to let go na...sa relationship dapat give and take....don't ever forget yourself...sometimes dapat ikaw naman ang pagbigyan ng hubby mo....always pray lang and ask God's guidance...whatever pain you are into right now just don't forget the many blessings in your life para ma uplift ka....GOD BLESS

Mina Palencia said...

anu? may problema na naman? i thought everything's going okay na?

hayyy... i only have one thing to say... but you already know that...

buti na lng dae ko na ika nahihiling na nagaibi (kasi nga dae taka nahihiling.. hahaha)...

ahhh basta... yun na yun.

- maida - said...

hay! pakabasa ko nanaman lang kaini kaya ngunyan lang nakacomment...well, pirmi man nasa saimo ang desisyon bhem...ikaw man lang ang makulit...maski warang agom, pamilya kamo ni gabby...anuhon mo ang may agom kung pirmi man lang kmo nagadulakan...maogma kana dati na wara sya, ikaw man lang nagtao ulit bato na ipukpok mo sa sadiri mo...kaya mo mabuhay na wara sya...pigapirit mo lang mabuo ang pigtataram mong pamilya...maabot ang oras na mangyayari ulit ang mga nangyari sa past mo...dai sa pigamaldisyon taka pero aram mong pwede kmo magkulugan physically pag magkaiba na kamo ta grabe kamo mag iwal...dai mo na pag halaton na mangyari an...magmata kana bhem...