Hopeless

Sometimes, I'm wondering what is right between these two: Loving means holding on OR loving means letting go. I've been thinking about these for quite some time now, and until now the answer is still vague. I'm torn between the idea of having a complete family yet losing my self-respect in the end or loving myself more but end up having a broken family. I don't really know what's the right decision or path for me to take. All I know is that the situation has become too complicated and that my opinions seem not to matter anymore.

For so many times, I've let him decide on things, and let myself obey first without complaining. I even feel as if I'm in a military camp wherein when the upper class says you do this or do that, there's no room for me to complain but instead keep only one word in mind - and that is to OBEY. It's too suffocating, it's damn too stressful! I know, I can do better than simply obey and suffer the consequences in the end. I am human, I'm not a puppet! I have a voice, a mind of my own, and above all, I have feelings too.

But I ask myself, then what am I doing sitting here, waiting, holding on, and letting him control me in such a way that I'm starting to lose my self-respect and confidence? Am I being too dumb trying to hold on just because of my ultimate dream to have a complete family? Everything seems to be hopeless now, in spite of my efforts to fix every problem that he lets me go through. And my words are becoming so useless; my part in the decision-making process seem not to matter at all. Am I really a WIFE? Or am I more of a PUPPET?

Do I still make any sense here? Darn, why do I even have to compare myself into an inanimate object? I just don't understand why he doesn't want to listen to me. He wants me to follow everything that he says yet when people are already saying bad things about me, he could not even protect me. I always believe that in every family, the father or the husband should always be the one to protect his wife and his family as a whole. But in our case, this seems to be not applicable. Why? Because he protects his other "so-called family" more rather than us who will be there for him through thick and thin. He doesn't want them to be bothered that's why he kept all his transaction with them secret from the rest of the family, but with me, he wants me to be in the frontline, to obey everything he says with no questions asked, and when problem comes, I should be able to handle and face them alone. Or worse, keep my mouth shut and act as if I didn't see or hear anything bad.

I'm tired really of understanding everything. Why can't he be more open-minded and listen to what I say? I AM HIS WIFE! But am I really?