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Saturday, February 16, 2008

In Limbo

I'm getting out of focus, I can't think right at all! It feels like I'm in limbo. I made plans early this year, concerning only me and my Baby Gab. But when her dad entered the scene again a month ago, it seems that things are becoming more difficult instead of becoming smoother and easier. I thought, with him in the picture, things will get better. But I don't know why things are happening the other way around. Now, I'm in a daze, and I feel so alone.

Again, I ask myself, "why is it that when I needed him the most, that's when I can't rely on him?" You see, the plans I made are not just for me, but also for our baby. And when he comes home, it will be for him as well. But as of now, it's very apparent that I'm carrying the burden alone. Why? Because even if he wants to take part in materializing those plans, how can he if he entrusted to other people the supposedly resources that we can use.

I don't want to keep on blaming him for his wrong decisions, but I can't help it really. Things would have been easier for me, for us, if he has trusted me more. This is actually the one thing that makes me feel so bad right now. I felt so useless, so incapable of helping him because he trusted other people more, than his supposedly wife and mother of his baby.

I keep asking myself, "am I really that useless? am I really that incapable? I'm his wife, his partner, and the mother of his baby, but why give his trust to others? Me and Baby Gab are his family, but why does he have to make things so difficult for us, yet easier for others."

I'm so mad, I can't even explain the anger that I'm feeling right now. Why does he always have to make me feel so alone when I needed him the most? Why?