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Saturday, August 30, 2008

It's Time

After two months of staying here in the metropolis without the baby in between beside me, now it's time to pack my things, not to leave the life that I started here but to begin a new life with my baby here with me.

When I left Legazpi two months ago, I was full of hope that everything will be okay: the new office and co-workers here in Pasig, the dorm that I'll be staying, the kind of life here in the metropolis, the peace of mind that I'll get from leaving my baby and my things in Papa Ghie's family and place, and lastly my long distance relationship with him. But looking back at those two months, I could say that not everything turned out okay as I expected.

I feel sad that the work and co-workers are far too different from the ones I left in Legazpi. And as for the big city life, well it'll be long before I'll completely get used to it. But what really bother me the most during the whole two months of my stay here and up to the present are the recent happenings between me and Papa Ghie's family and Papa Ghie himself. I never thought that everything will become too complicated for me, for us.

Two months ago, I was under the impression that since I was totally obedient with everything that Ghie said or asked me to do before I left Legazpi and while I'm here, all the more that our relationship would run smoothly and less complicated. But I was wrong. Now, all the scolding and the yelling are getting into my nerves, much more the bad and hurting rumors that have been circling around regarding me and my baby trying to snatch everything that Ghie has to offer.

I am so scared when people shout at me, much more when a partner does. When I'm yelled at, I get hysterical and feel my body tremble because of fear. I don't know how or when this kind of reaction has started. All I know is that when a person gets so furious at me to the extend that I'm being yelled at, it scares the hell out of me.

I don't want to remember that horrible experience of physical and emotional battering anymore. The painful punches, the kicks, the harsh words, the bruises, everything that happened in the past which left deep scars in me. But after the fights and arguments during the last 2 months, the bad memories are slowly creeping into my mind, haunting me like before.

I'm trying so hard to understand the situation I am in now. I ask myself, "Is it wrong to be an obedient wife yet in the end will be regarded as the one with a negative attitude? Or is it right for me to say that just because of my dream to have a complete family, I'll swallow all my pride and disregard the little respect that I left for myself?"

I am so torn right now. I love my baby so much and I want her to have a complete family. But if it's God's will not to give it to me, to us, I'll gladly accept it. For now, it's time for me to take my baby here with me and the rest is up to Him.


peachy said...

Just be strong Phoebe. You'll get through all of these. :)

jHeLea said...

Life is really full of ups and downs...I've been a witness of your pains and your happiness through reading your posts...Be strong girl...You've been through a lot!!! I know kaya mo 'yan....Just keep on believing God...It's okay to be an obedient wife but please leave even just a little for yourself...para kahit ano ang mangyari BUO KA PA RIN....We all want a complete family pero happiness naman doesn't go with being complete...Basta stay strong lang....
Btw, here's an AWARD for you. Hope it will brighten you up...

Karen said...

Grab your baby and run. No one deserves that type of treatment. Your husband does not sound like the type that God wants you to stay with. If he gets counseling to learn to treat you with dignity then it might be possible. God does not expect us to stay in abusive situations.